


Once Was Lost

by violetchachkii



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: Angst, Future Fic, Illness, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-29
Updated: 2010-10-29
Packaged: 2017-11-25 18:48:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/641894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violetchachkii/pseuds/violetchachkii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It was something we never expected. Something so serious and hard that brought four friends back together, even for a short time." September 29th, 2010.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Logan

It was something we never expected. Something so serious and hard that brought four friends back together, even for a short time.

I got the call that James was in the hospital at about 3 o'clock in the morning. I immediately dropped everything and got a plane, all the way back to L.A. I didn't know why I cared so much. None of us had talked in at least 5 years. But still, I found myself broken inside.

When I got to the hospital I saw Kendall and Carlos in the waiting room. Both eyed me curiously. It was like I was a specimen they had never seen. I was something new.

I cleared my throat and spoke, "Um…how is he?"

Carlos looked down at his lap. I could see that his eyes were red a puffy from crying. He folded his hands tight in his lap, trying to avoid my gaze. I knew I wasn't getting an answer from him.

"They're still running test," Kendall answered. He didn't sound like he had been crying. He sounded like Kendall. Simple and strong. He had always been.

I nodded and walked further into the waiting room. The blond boy stood and hugged me tightly. I embraced him back, feeling like a 16 year old again. It felt good to hug Kendall, after all this time. It was like we were in love again.

"I missed you so much," he whispered, without releasing me. I nodded and buried my face in his shoulder for a split second. Then I remembered that Carlos was in there too. I looked up and saw him still staring at his lap.

He looked terrified. He and James had been best friends forever. Now he was watching him slowly go away. It was heart breaking. I wanted to hug him like I did when we were in love too. To tell him that everything was okay. We were going to get through this.

A nurse came out and approached us. She eyed me up and down for a few seconds before talking. She showed a fake smile, "He's stable right now. You can visit him, but one at a time, please."

We all nodded and she walked off. We looked at each other. Who was going to do the deed of seeing him first? My eyes went straight to Carlos. He nodded and stood.

"I'll go," he mumbled and disappeared down the hallway where the nurse had come out of. I closed my eyes for a few seconds before sitting down. Kendall followed in suit.

Silence sat in the air for a long time. What was I supposed to say? We hadn't talked in years. "What's up" just didn't seem suitable.

"I can't believe it," I heard him mutter. I looked over and our eyes met. His green ones were so serious that it almost killed me. I knew he wasn't going to cry at all. He hadn't since his dad died.

"Do you know what happened?" I heard myself say, but couldn't believe. Why couldn't I have just stayed silent? When in doubt, shut up. I had learned that rule from an early age,

"No. They won't tell us anything," Kendall was fuming. I didn't have to look at him to tell.

"Maybe it's not that big of a deal," I tried to reassure. He looked over at me. Instead of angry though, his eyes were soft.

"Of Logie, I missed your delusions of grandeur," he laughed. I didn't know he even knew what that meant. He was so different. I couldn't believe I'd let all these years go by.

"What do you think happened?" I asked after a beat of silence. I heard him exhale and shift in his seat.

"Hell if I know," he mumbled. I heard his finger cracking. It was a nervous habit of his. It always grossed me out, but now I found it comforting.

It was quiet again, our minds in contemplation. I wanted to know what was wrong. Why was James in here? More important, why was it so important that he asked for them to call us? The "friends" he hadn't spoken to in 5 years.

"Do you think he's going to die?" I questioned again. I knew it was wrong to be talking to Kendall like this after all this time. We should be quiet and just ignore each other. It was what was right.

"I don't know, Logan," he said, looking at me again, "I don't know."

I nodded another time and looked at the wall in front of me. I traced each one of the cracks in the wall. I remembered when I wanted nothing more than to work in this place. I wanted all the prestige and accolades. But now, I wanted nothing more then to leave. To be gone and far away from this hell.

Why would I have ever wanted to be the person who decided whether someone lived or died? The one who had to tell someone that their loved one was gone. What if that person was like James to them? How could I be the one to break the heart of someone who was best friends with the person I killed?

"We need to get out of here," I announced. Kendall looked over at me curiously. He nodded and we left.

*

"Wow," I whispered as we drove in his car down a back road leading to the beach. I could see the stars illuminating in the sky above the crashing waves. Sure, it wasn't Minnesota beautiful, but it was close.

We parked and got out. The beach had been closed for hours now, but neither of us cared. We headed down the sand slowly and to the water. I moment we reached the bay, we both sat. It was almost an instinct.

"This is amazing," I breathed, feeling the water brush against my toes.

"Yeah…it is…" Kendall responded. I looked over at him gazing at the stars.

We were silent again, reveling in the beauty of our surroundings. It was like we were together again, our bond rebuilt. I don't know why I ever left. This was too perfect.

"It killed me when you left, you know that right," he suddenly said. I looked at him and our eyes met. I could see his emerald orbs shining in the moonlight.

I found myself wondering why I left again. I don't know the answer. I want to find out though. Soon…

I stood and brushed the sand off my shorts. I couldn't answer him then and needed to avoid the question. "We should get going…"

"We just got here," I can hear the smirk in his voice. I'm already traveling up the beach to the car. He runs after me. "Logan!"

I turned around, "What Kendall?"

He simply nods, "We should go," his voice is sad, "Carlos is probably wondering where we are."

We get into the car and head back to the hospital. This moment was supposed to be just us and perfect. But I had to ruin it.

By running away. Like I do best.


	2. Carlos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written in October of 2010.

The only word to describe how I felt walking to the hospital room that James was condemned to was weird. I never thought that in a million years I would be doing this. Sure, I had had my fair share of nightmares where one of my friends died, but never like this. This was…insanity.

I entered the room slowly. I saw him chained up with wires and tubes going everywhere. The most prominent were the two sticking out of his nose. He turned his head and looked at me with hazy eyes.

"Carlos…" he breathed in through his nose loudly, "You look like someone's dying."

I couldn't even crack a smile. Normal Carlos would've laughed. But I couldn't. It was James. He was…dying.

"James…" I whispered, entering the room completely. I coolly walked up to him and hugged him close. His grip around my shoulders was weak and tired. I pulled away and stared down at his limp looking body.

"I can't believe you came," he said, swallowing thickly. He breathed in deeply yet again.

"We all did," I stated, sitting on the side of the bed. I grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly, trying not to disturb any wires. The look on his face was like that of a child on Christmas morning. It broke my heart into two pieces.

"I have a rule," he said, forgetting my previous comment quickly, "No tears or…sadness. I want to do this right…"

I closed my eyes and sucked in all the tears that that statement had provoked. I sniffed and hugged him again.

"You don't know how much I missed you," I breathed. I felt him nod and take in a very deep breath. I released instantly. "Did I hurt you?" I asked, panicked.

"My lungs…they're almost useless…" he muttered, taking in another breath through his tubes. I nodded and looked off into the distance.

"So you're..." I couldn't finish my sentence. It was too painful.

"Dying."

I nodded again and looked back at his IV-ed hand.

*

We sat out in the garden of the hospital, me on the bench and him in a wheelchair. He looked so amused, watching all the sick little kids playing like healthy children and the elderly patients, close to death, looking so blissful. James sighed contently.

"I've been here for 3 months…" he whispered, looking up at the sun, "I was afraid to tell you guys…but they said I don't have much time left."

I looked over at him and grabbed his hand, "James…why were you afraid?"

He took in a deep breath, looking like he was on the brink of breaking his 'No crying' rule. "I thought you guys didn't care anymore. You had all moved on anyway."

I smirked, "Really we haven't. Kendall and Logan are still ignorantly in love. It's sickening."

He chuckled quietly, "You are so still in love with him."

"Even if I was…he broke up with me, remember?"

"Vividly," he mumbled. For a second, we were both smiling happily, like life was normal. The bright sun illuminated off his paling skin and large eyes. James was always going to beautiful, even on the verge of death.

"After I die…" he spoke up again, casually, "You have to promise me something."

"What would that be?" I questioned, looking directly at him. He turned his head and stared into my eyes.

"Find your soul mate. Whoever it is, boy or girl, anyone, just promise you'll be happy, okay?"

I swallowed hard and blinked back tears once again. I nodded quickly.

He smiled and looked across the large pond that sat in the middle of the haven, "Have many, many kids or adoptive kids. Never stop loving each other. Grow old together, until your both senile old people. For me."

"I will, James," I whispered. He closed his eyes, grinning like mad.

*

It was odd, sitting next to both Kendall and Logan at an off-shore bar, drinking languidly. Logan set his bottle down and sighed heavily.

"Who would've thought we'd all be together again," he said, drunkenly. Kendall snorted.

"Yeah, a toast to James dying slowly," he sarcastically held his bottle up in the air. I shook my head and sighed. I couldn't believe they were joking about this.

"Now were just here with our cliché, typical love triangle lives," Logan mutter bitterly. I held my bottle against my tight lips, trying to ignore their comments. But they continued, mocking James' condition. I finally snapped.

"You two didn't see him in there…" I stood up and released the tears I had kept in, "It's bad. He's gonna be gone…soon."

Kendall stood, defensively. "Before you get all emotional…I'm gonna leave."

Logan and I both watched as he stumbled out, clearly trying to drink himself into numbness. He disappeared and clumsily hailed a taxi. Once he was in, I turned back to Logan.

He set his bottle down seriously. "Is it that bad?"

I nodded begrudgingly, "Yeah…any day now."

We were silent for the longest time before he stepped forward. He hugged me tightly and I returned it. I had missed this embrace so much. The one that always made me feel safe. The one that destroyed all the pain inside me.

He pulled back and looked me up and down, "We were good weren't we?"

I smirked, "We were great."

We hugged again and stared at each other. I thought he was about to lean in to kiss me. The kiss that made my breath hitch and my heart stop. But instead, he let go of my shirt and backed off.

"I should get going," he excused and walked down the same trail Kendall had. He too disappeared in a cab, leaving me alone in my love-stricken, drunken bliss.


	3. Kendall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written in October of 2010.

My head was pounding from all the alcohol I had drank the night before. I wanted nothing more than to just stay in my hotel room the entire day. But I had to go on; more importantly, I had to visit James.

I walked into the small hospital room, the only light coming from the window. He stared outside at the outdoor garden intensely, deep in thought. I could only imagine what was going through his head that very moment. He was probably scared out of his mind, not knowing if he was going to live the next day.

"Hey James," I whispered, walking farther into the room. He turned his head slowly and grinned when our eyes met. He managed to awkwardly sit up, a smile still radiating off his lips.

"Kendall…I was sure you weren't going to come," his voice was melancholy with a fake bit of humor. It hurt knowing that he thought I wouldn't come. Him and I had been friends since we were five. We were the first of our 'group' to meet after all.

"Come on…you're one of my best friends…of course I'd come," I told, sitting on the edge of the bed. I fixed his pillow a little bit, but he pulled it back, irritated.

"Well here I am," his voice was weak and his breathing was shallow, "Waiting for the day."

"What happened?" I couldn't help but ask. He shook his head and looked up at the ceiling.

"When Big Time Rush ended…I didn't know how to go on. I got into some bad drugs and knowing my luck- if I didn't have bad luck I'd have none at all- I got sick. They think it was either critical asthma or emphysema…they weren't quite sure. I was living on the edge after that and ended up getting in a car accident. My lung collapsed and now I can't get enough air out of the other one. They put me on the transplant list…but I'm too far down. So now I'm just…dying."

I sat there, processing what he said. He had all gone on after Big Time Rush. I knew James was really dedicated to it, but I never thought it was that deep. I thought he would move on with ease, go solo or something. But I was wrong; he just went on killing himself.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there," I mumbled. He reached out and grabbed my hand, trying not to disturb any wires. He looked up at me, his brown-green eyes gleaming in the dim light. Tears filled them, resembling those of a young child.

"I'm scared Kendall," he whimpered, "I've never been scared of anything. Neither have you. But I'm scared of dying…I need your help."

I nodded and maneuvered myself closer to him so I was lying beside him. I put my arms around him and held him close, listening to his breathing. Every breath was quick and weak. But he finally fell asleep, silently.

*

I walked along the beach, my toes squishing in the sand. I held my phone tight, waiting for Logan to get there. I had called him at least 15 minutes before and he still wasn't there. I was starting to wonder if he was really coming.

But soon enough, a taxi dropped the brunette boy off. He jogged down the beach to where I was. He stopped in front of me, looking up at my tear-streaked face.

"Kendall? What's wrong?" he asked, his eyes shining with concern. I shook my head and looked up at the cloudy sky. The air was salty and cold, making my skin get goose bumps.

"He's really dying. And we can't do anything!" I yelled, running and kicking sand. I was going completely crazy, hoping and praying that James would be all right. I knew it wasn't realistic, but I stilled wished.

"Kendall!" he ran after me, stopping me. He grabbed my upper-arms and held me in place. "I know he is. But all we can do is be there for him, Make it the best for him."

I nodded, still crying. "I'm scared…" I murmured. He nodded and embraced me in a hug.

"Let's just…walk," he whispered.

We walked down the beach for at least an hour, throwing rocks and jumping the tide. It was the most fun I had had in along time. I remembered why I was with Logan in the first place. Why he was my best friend.

We sat in the sand while the sun was setting. I looked over at him, so serene and happy. "I love you," I whispered. He turned his head to look at me.

"Me too," he said, casually, "You're my soul mate."

I sighed, "Really? You think so?"

He exhaled and turned his entire body towards me. "Yeah…of course I do. But you and I…we weren't good together. Fate says that we were supposed to fall in love and be together forever…but I can't. You need to move on be you Kendall…you've always been that way. You're independent. All I do is weigh you down. So yeah…we're soul mates, but just friends."

I nodded, understanding. My heart was still breaking inside me, but I knew what he was saying. I needed to figure myself out before I could be with him.

We ended up staying the night at the beach, talking and laughing. It felt amazing, having my best friend back; my soul mate.


	4. James

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written on October 29th, 2010.

I waited and waited for Logan to come visit me. That was the only reason I didn't just give in. I would lie there, waiting. Carlos and Kendall had both come, so why hadn't he? Was he scared of seeing me like this?

I woke up one morning, my lungs screaming for air. I was trying so hard to hold on, but it kept getting worse. But I had to wait until Logan came in. Holding on until then was the last thing I had to do.

Later that day, someone did come in; it was Carlos. We talked, even though I never responded. I couldn't give up that energy. He told me that Logan was too afraid to come in, like I had guessed. I nodded barely and closed my eyes, signaling that I was tired. He got the message and went over to the chair on the other side of the room.

My body started to shut down after that. My heart was barely beating and my breaths were scarce. But I was peaceful. I wasn't worrying; I was just letting go…

*

James died only moments after Carlos had sat down. Logan was never in to see him. The funeral was planned for the three days after. All three of the others showed up.

Logan sat alone in the back of the church while everyone had filed out. Carlos stood outside waiting for him. He finally stepped back into the church, seeing his friend there.

"Logan…" Carlos whispered, sitting next to him in the pew. The other boy shook his head.

"I never saw him," he mumbled out.

"It's okay…he knew you wanted to."

It was silent after that. Carlos hugged his friend tightly. They stayed like that for a long time, neither knew how long. But when they parted, Carlos was successful in cheering up his best friend.

Little did they know that by the door stood Kendall, a small smile on his face.

*

After a couple weeks, life was back to normal. James wasn't forgotten, but his death was no longer seen in a bad light.

And Carlos moved in with Logan. They had gotten back together.

And Kendall had left to find a band he could produce. Preferably with four best friends…

And Logan went to visit James' grave almost everyday.

He knew he would have to make it up to him…


End file.
